


smeared lipstick (who he could’ve been)

by glassflowers



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Gender Dysphoria, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-28 05:09:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19805401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glassflowers/pseuds/glassflowers
Summary: The day of the Jimmy Buffet concert brought up lingering questions in Dennis. Not thinking twice, he addresses them, but soon finds out he put himself in a mindset where there’s no going back. Maybe it’s time to face what he’s hidden from.





	smeared lipstick (who he could’ve been)

**Author's Note:**

> tw for body image issues, dissociation, and internalized transphobia

“What was that whole thing about wearing the dress to shit? Because seriously, I still do not understand it.”

“It’s really not that complicated, dude.” 

It was the day after the Buffet concert and the gang were about half-awake, still exhausted from the previous night’s antics. It was right before closing time and they were winding down for the night. Dennis and Charlie were having a beer in what they deemed to be the comfiest booth in the bar (the one closest to the door), Dee and Mac were arguing about something at the other end of the bar, Dennis could only make out the words “Buffet” and “attractive”, and Frank was passed out, snoring loudly, in another booth. 

“Well, it must be because I can’t wrap my head around it.” 

“I told you, it’s the only way I can shit.”

Sometime during the concert, Mac had stolen Dennis’ boat captain hat, which was then stolen by Charlie, who wore it all day today and now had it laid over his eyes with his head tipped back. Dennis thought it was rather rude that 1) he refused to give him his hat back and 2) he was basically ignoring him and not very into the conversation. He guessed he couldn’t fault him too much, the hat was cool as hell and everyone was tired as shit. Still, since seeing Charlie so comfortable in that floral garment, Dennis didn’t know why but he couldn’t get it out of his mind. 

“But, don’t you get bothered by it? Having to keep up with it all the time?” Dennis continued. 

“I mean, I’m just used to it by now. It’s comfy, I guess.” 

“So do you have a closet full of dresses?”

“It’s just the one dress!” 

“Did you ever want to wear the dress when you weren’t pooping?”

“Bro, I don’t know!” Charlie almost shrieked, taking the hat and putting it firmly on his head, sitting up straighter with bulging eyes, “Why are you asking me all these questions?”

“God, fine, forget it!” Dennis snapped back, taking a long swig from his bottle and slamming it back down. He would usually do more to fight back but he wasn’t sure it would be worth it. Whatever, this was stupid to bring up anyways. Dennis was about to go sit with Mac and see how the pointless argument was progressing (Jimmy Buffet was a 5.5/10, solid fact not worth fighting over), when Charlie started yelling at him again. 

“Do you want to use the dress too, is that it? Because I’ll let you borrow it, but you have to promise to give it back right-“ 

“No! No, I-I mean,” Dennis interrupted. Sighing, he shut his eyes tight. Rubbing his temples, he hoped to relieve some tension and gain some composure, maybe a bit of clarity. He opened them after a few seconds, “Remember when you said ‘it is what it is’? I just...I don’t know. I just don’t understand that mindset. How can you not care what we think?”

Charlie contemplated for a moment, squinting at Dennis and appearing slightly confused. He finished his beer in one big gulp and answered, “I don’t know...I am who I am. You guys never care. I mean, not really. You guys got weird about it, for some reason, like you do with other things I do, but I feel like you’re all, like, okay with anything I do by now because that’s just me.” 

Dennis looked back at Charlie, processing what he just said. “Hm.” It was definitely a foreign concept to him. 

Dennis looked in the mirror a lot. The dirty mirror in the bar’s bathroom, his full length in his bedroom, the reflection in the car window. It was impulsive. He didn’t even realize he’d done it so much until Mac commented on it once: “Dennis, it’s been way too long. You look fine, come back to bed.”

Charlie spoke a bit calmer now, “Didn’t you used to wear makeup and shit? Or do you still do that?”

“What the hell does that have to do with anything?” Dennis responded, admittedly defensive. 

“Well...Hmm how do I put this?” Charlie paused, like he was choosing his words carefully. “Why are you okay with doing that, but you don’t understand my dress thing? Haven’t you worn a dress in the past too? I don’t know, they just seem kinda similar to me. If you wanna be more girly or whatever, that’s okay, man. I think you’re too in your head about everything.” 

Sometimes, Dennis didn’t really know what he did when he was staring at himself. He lost track of time a lot that way. He just, stared. Maybe he hoped he would find something different than last time. A new pimple to hyper focus on. A new set of wrinkles to obsess over. Maybe he hoped something deeper would reveal itself, something within him, or beyond him, that was truly worth being seen in public, worth inhabiting for four decades, worth Mac running his lips over without Dennis feeling wrong, worth something, anything, more than a distant reflection that was never meant to make it this long in the first place. 

Dennis was trying to comprehend his friend’s bold statement when Mac made his way over to their booth, rubbing his eyes and yawning, “Dennis, can we go already?” 

“Just admit the old fart is ugly, dickwad!” He heard Dee yell as she stumbled to the front door, slamming it shut. 

“He’s a handsome man!” Mac flipped her off but it was too late, she’d already left. “Bitch.” He muttered under his breath.

“You’re gonna have to drive, Mac. I don’t know how much longer I can keep my eyes open.” 

“S’cool, you can drive perfectly.”

“I’d really like to not crash my car, thank you very much.” 

“You’re welcome!” Mac responded with a grin, oblivious.

Dennis rolled his eyes, “Jesus Christ.” Accepting that he was getting behind the wheel, he slid out of the booth, stretching his arms up high and cracking his neck. 

Dennis looked back at Charlie, but the kid was already fast asleep, drool falling from his bottom lip. Dennis grabbed the hat from his head and smugly placed it on his own.

With Steve Winwood playing softly inside the Range Rover, Mac and Dennis were on their way home. Tonight was particular empty on the streets, no cars in sight to bother. Only present was the leftover evening rain on the roads and the gnawing feeling in Dennis’ chest that something wasn’t right. 

“Hey Mac?”

“Yea, Den?”

“You’re a man, right?”

Mac turned to him confused, “Dude, duh. What kinda question is that?”

“Just stay with me for a sec, asshole. So, you work out and have a beard and wear masculine clothing, therefore, you’re a man, correct?”

“Yea, of course.”

“Okay, in that case, what else makes you a man?”

“My dick?”

“No, no, besides that.”

“I don’t really understand, bro.”

For some reason, the car was good for honest conversations. Dennis learned this many times in his childhood, when he would watch his parents argue in their ‘84 Subaru about money or the house or him and Dee. Frank never had to look directly at Barbara and there was an established destination so the argument would end when the engine was turned off. It benefited everyone involved. 

Dennis didn’t really have a plan for this conversation. Hell, if he wasn’t so sleep-deprived and delirious, he wouldn’t have started it at all. But the combination of the feeling of security the car gave him plus his drowsy, almost carefree state kept him talking, curious to see where this would go. “We brought up exterior aspects, think about emotional shit. How you feel and such that tells you you’re a man.”

Mac looked out his passenger window, like he would find some answers out there. “Umm...I’m strong. I guess not just physically, because yknow, I’ve gone through a lot of shit. I’m also funny! Men are funny! I don’t really know what else. This is hard, dude.”

“No kidding.” Dennis let slip out, confused at his own statement. 

“What about you?”

“Huh?”

“Well, what makes you a man? Since you asked me, I wanna know your answer too.”

Dennis pushed the gas pedal harder. He turned up the music, hoping it would drown out his thoughts and make Mac forget he even asked the question.

After a few silent minutes, he sneaked a peak at Mac, staring at him. “Dennis?”

Dennis sighed. “Do you ever feel like you want to just scream?”

“I used to.”

Mac was looking back at him with something soft, yet a quite powerful presence that could only be described as empathy. Dennis knows Mac’s been through a lot, they all have, but he’s only recently realized how much they’re tied together. They’re all just passing by, figuring out how to balance the shit that’s been thrown at them and the shit that’ll inevitably catch them off guard in the future. At least they’re not alone in the process. Dennis can faintly see, in those everpresent bright eyes, that Mac might just be telling the truth. That he might really be there for him. Dennis knows Mac loves him. He just didn’t think anyone could actually want to stick around, and go through life alongside him.

Dennis didn’t know he was screaming until he stopped. His eyes widened, finding himself breathing hard and fast. The car’s speed was reaching the 70’s. Dennis didn’t ease his foot off at all, instead turning to Mac again, seeing if he would react negatively, but he was just smiling. A big grin across his face illuminated by the full moon and nearby street lights. Quickly and suddenly, Mac shut his eyes and let out just as loud a scream. Dennis flinched, not expecting it at all. Mac finally stopped, chuckling. Dennis grinned back. He got lost in the moment, in the late night, in the freedom. He started screaming again, soon hearing Mac join him. Their collective noise felt strong enough to shake the car, to rock Philly, to push the Earth off its axis and make Dennis tumble along with it, crafting change that he couldn’t possibly ignore. So their throats were raw and their hearts beating faster, with nothing else existing in that space but the two of them and the mutual understanding that the hurt doesn’t easily go away, but maybe it’s not so fucking life-threatening to face.

Dennis likes to think he has a lot of things that are clear to him. His gender, his sexuality, his lean figure, his relationships with others. Lately though, all these familiar concepts have morphed into fragile porcelain glass, cracking at the edges and Dennis doesn’t want to touch them in fear that they’ll shatter all over the floor and he can’t find all the broken pieces. So he’s careful. He’s always been careful. But there comes a point, Dennis realizes, that being careful isn’t worth it anymore. The cracks in the porcelain will still inevitably show up, creating rifts that carry his doubts all through the china, a phenomenon as natural as the blood coursing through his prominent veins. So maybe he doesn’t see things as clearly as he thought. Dennis hopes that the world can forgive him for that. That if it eventually shifts, he’s forced to accept all the things that become real in a new light so when the planet balances itself out again, his body is more grounded and his soul isn’t as hurt. And eventually, with all his grievances pushed out from the profound screams that make the night warmer, Dennis can forgive himself too. 

**Author's Note:**

> ✨*dennis voice* gender neutral ✨
> 
> i’m @floralmac on tumblr <3


End file.
